negative emotions, memories, nostalgia, and honkai star rail

2/11/2025

There's a concept in this game I play called “mara-struck.” In this game, creatures that live for centuries eventually become “struck by mara.” These creatures and immortal, and over centuries of time the with the accumulation of more and more memories, they inevitably start forgetting good memories, while negative bad memories remain because negative emotions are more powerful.

This all sounds super romantic: until you realize the game is Honkai star rail, haha. And honestly, this concept makes sense— old people are always so bitter and maybe that's because they've become senile and forgotten their good memories (LOL!)

I don't know why, but this is one of the things I just can't shake off my mind. This conversation of good and bad memories always plays out inside my head. Years before Honkai Star rail even came out, I remember one time I was talking with my dad. I was kinda in a pissy mood, wanting to “get back” at my dad (I'm lucky he didn't go ballistic at me). I told him,

“He, remember when you grounded me for not drinking all the water in my water bottle?”

(True story!) I've always held a slight grudge against my parents for grounding me and punishing me for some of the stupidest shit.

He was driving, and luckily didn't care for my provocation, and simply responded with, “You guys always remember the bad things, but never the good things, huh.”

This must've happened 3-4 years ago, but I still remember it. Partly because I actually felt myself agree with him. When I think about my parents and sister, who I've lived with forever, It takes so much less effort to recall times when I felt stressed, mad, and sad. When I just sit alone with my own thoughts, it's so easy for me to remember that one embarrassing thing I did 5 years ago. It seems like it takes the slightest more effort to recall happy memories and our brains just take a short-cut to save on gas.

So since however long ago 2020 was, I've always had this thought at the back of my head. It might of changed how I acted towards people, but who really knows. But in recent times, after thousands of hours of just straight thinking, I realized there's definitely a powerful exception: nostalgia.

Nostalgia is by far one of my favorite emotions (is it even an emotion?) things. Not because there's a lot for me to be nostalgic about, but because I like seeing other people's nostalgia. There's a universal longing for the past. I remember some psychologist or researcher said nostalgia in excessive amounts can affect your enjoyment of the present or something like that, someone else can fact check that for me. But when you feel nostalgic, it's like things were always just better. Even if they weren't.

In the case of nostalgia, it's so easy to tunnel vision into “the good ol' days” and collectively forget the bad, bland, shit you felt then. I got this shock when I found myself reminiscing about my freshman year (!!) of highschool, which had to be one of my lowest points. It was during the Covid era, everyone was wearing masks, my bangs were so long they covered my eyes (embarrassing), and I was incredibly stressed from school: I didn't have any good time management skills and was super shit at studying, after online school in 2020 basically paused all my academic development. Yet here I was, actually kind of wanting to go back?

I don't know what triggers it, maybe because of how you feel in the current moment doesn't satisfy you, so you believe the past is what suits you better. But regardless, make sure you spend 10 minutes everyday thinking of happy memories so you don't become marastruck 😁😁😁.