Limbo

4/18/25

I'm sitting here by the water watching the birds and people jog by. The wind is strong and it's kind of cold. I'm here relaxing, just thinking about my life.
My plan for life to me has always been straightforward: I was going to work hard academically and go to college for at least a master's degree. My goal is to be able to work at NASA one day.
My plan hasn't changed at all, but when I created that plan when I was a kid, I really oversimplified life. I didn't think about the in between, like my hobbies or high school, or even after college.
For a couple years now, I've felt like I was lagging behind. I've felt like I wasted my time. I don't know, I've had fun in school, but I still can't look at myself in the mirror and say I'm truly happy with everything right now. It's normal to not be 100 percent content with life in every era of your life. But sometimes I talk to people and see people who seem like they are truly enjoying life, living on 100% while I'm here living at 65%. I haven't truly become happy about myself yet. I'm still insecure. I keep thinking in my head that once I'm perfect everything will get better.
Something that hit me is I don't even know what I want for myself. What am I going to do once I'm everything I wanted to be? All those “motivation influencers” telling me to not wait and do everything I wanted to do now instead of later is getting to me. I'm in a limbo stage right now. Despite being in this limbo, I get ridiculous FOMO from some things. I know instagram lies to me. I know a 10 second instagram story of someone “living their best life” isn't indicative of them actually living their best life.
This is kind of a “deep soul searching” writing moment! (jokes) I don't really get to talk to anyone about this kind of stuff since most my friends are brain rotted and would rather go into deep conversations about tung tung tung sahur vs. bombardino crocodilo. The sun is gonna set soon though, so I'd better go back home.