I don't think I can lie and avoid it any longer, but I'm lonely. I've been for the past 3 years. Today, I finished the last AP exam I will ever need to take. I felt great, so I hung out with a friend that goes to a different school and I don't get to hang out with often. It was fun, then when I got home the same shit that always happens happens. I feel lonely and like a loser, like I'm not even living my own life.
I don't have a best friend(s). I don't have a friend group that does everything together. I don't have a 3-4
person group chat that tells everything to each other. No one really texts me just to chat. No one directly
texts me to invite me to hang outs, I just do things spontaneously, which is probably also why I feel like shit
at the end of hangouts, since I realize we aren't gonna hang out for a while after this.
I do have friend groups, but with only the bad parts, like being trapped by their expectations and vision of
you.
I don't have anyone I can talk about cosplay with, or piano and music theory, or yuri manga, and sometimes
I get called gay for 'knowing too much about makeup.'
I should have no reason to feel lonely. This week I spent a lot of time at the park playing volleyball with some friends from my classes. I'm not super close with any of them, but I'd consider anyone who shouts “nice save” and has a short chat with me to me a friend. Despite being surrounded by people I genuinely feel so lonely everyday. I don't know if it's just FOMO or something. Everyday when I go to school I feel like I can't really be myself. Every class period I adjust to match the people around me, maybe that's why I feel so disconnected. I'm glad people find my presence enjoyable for the lunch period or for giggling at the back of the classroom instead of paying attention. But I'm tired of adjusting myself and adapting to people when I'm just a side friend. Being that friend sucks cus I'm always excluded from everything. This sucks, cus I feel like I wasted high school. Because I was a depressed bum and had tons of drama in freshman year and sophomore year I'm falling far behind.
Anyways, Madison square garden just exploded because the NY Knicks just beat Boston Celtics. Wow!